The Truth About Motherhood.

the truth about motherhood - mother and daughter outside

Motherhood has a way of making you feel dead inside. Which is crazy, because at the same time, it also makes you feel more alive than you’ve ever felt in your life. Through motherhood, you get to experience new levels of love, fear, and so many emotions you never even knew existed.

So why does motherhood still have a way of isolating moms with an overwhelming emptiness? Why do we often feel like we can’t step away when we need a break?

It takes quite a bit of mental preparation for me to go out to any event since becoming a mom. If my husband and I get invited out somewhere, the timing must be right, the location a close drive, and my parents willing to watch my daughter for the duration of said event.

But sometimes, everything does line up, and still, something unexpected happens that ruins those plans.

This past weekend I was supposed to go to one of my best friend’s birthday parties. Then on the day of, my daughter got sick. Instead of getting dolled up for a few hours of mom-free time with yummy margs, I was cleaning puke off bedsheets in the same clothes I’d been wearing for the past two days.

Not to mention, I hadn’t showered since Wednesday. Because, what’s one more day? I thought to myself again and again knowing I would absolutely be showering on Saturday. And then found myself once again thinking, what’s one more day? As I lay in bed next to my sick toddler at 9pm on Saturday night.

I envied my husband who was out with friends who only come to town once a year. And when Sunday morning came around and he got back home, my daughter was feeling better. He got to miss out on the worst day of the weekend and return to a happy toddler who may have been coughing and sniffling, but had a renewed attitude. It was irritating, and added to how annoyed I already was with the way the weekend had turned out.

I should’ve made a point to step away and recharge. I don’t know why I always feel like I can’t ask for time to myself. No one makes me feel this way except me – like I shouldn’t need it because I’m a stay at home mom and the only break I should get in the 14-hour day is my daughter’s 1.5-hour nap. But that’s exactly why I do need it. And why I paid the price for not asking for it when I really needed it Sunday.

I didn’t realize how overstimulated and run down I was until Mia started playing with a beach ball at 7pm. I told her I wasn’t going to play, but she kept throwing it at me anyways. And so, I did something I’m not proud of and threw it down the stairs out of reach. She cried and I held her, but I wasn’t feeling sympathetic. I was thinking about how much I wished I could manually shut down my mind so I didn’t have to listen to her anymore. 

We went to bed shortly after and that’s when the mom guilt hit me. I was feeling guilty for how I’d reacted in that moment, and feeling sorry for myself because this is my entire life.

I don’t get to wake up Monday morning and turn off mom mode for a job and a paycheck. I wake up to do the same exact thing I do every single day, regardless of what day of the week it is.

But this time, I was wrong. Monday did turn out to be different. I didn’t end up doing the same routine I do every day because my daughter woke up more sick than she was the entire weekend. And for the first time in her life, I took her to the ER where she was diagnosed with pneumonia.

My negative thoughts about being a stay at home mom shifted as I watched the medical professionals assess her and show concern for her breathing.

Suddenly, I was thankful I didn’t have to call off work to be in the ER. Thankful to have caught the pneumonia early enough that she wasn’t admitted to the hospital. And so very thankful to get to be with her at home through the duration of her sickness without having to worry about any other obligations.

This is the zigzag of motherhood. It pulls you in every direction and just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, something new happens that changes your perspective. Something to remind you that although motherhood is isolating and can make you feel dead inside, your child is the best thing that ever happened to you and there’s no place else you’d rather be.

That’s the truth no one tells you about motherhood – that it can be just as depressing as it is rewarding. Not every day is as glorious and glamorous as those well-kept moms making homemade cereal on Tik Tok make it seem.

Most days, I do love being a stay at home, which is why I am one by choice. But on those inevitable hard days, I hate it. And I’m learning to be okay with that, too.

Featured Photo: Abigail Joyce Photography

Hi! I'm Kim.

A Registered Nurse turned stay-at-home mom to one lively little girl. I created this blog to share all things motherhood with an emphasis on the dynamic of parenting a single child. As this blog grows, you’ll find the occasional heart-tugging post but much more regarding fun things to do with a toddler in the Chicagoland area, tips and tricks for traveling with a toddler, my favorite products for babies and toddlers – especially those that I’ve found to be petite friendly. And last but not least, all the best places to grab a delicious margarita during mommy downtime.

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